he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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