so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
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I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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