I'm so fucking centered right now
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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