A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
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