Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
