If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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