well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
only you would photoshop your dick
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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