She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
