I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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