So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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