so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
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So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
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Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.