Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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