the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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