I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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