According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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