The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
