just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
