Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
