whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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