I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
