Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
