VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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