if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm like, not good at living.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
