"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
