in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
