There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Dignity is for republicans.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
