Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
