you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
