john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
