How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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