Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i now understand why vodka
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
