why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
