Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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