If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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