i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
