I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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