you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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