Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
