Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
