I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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