remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day šš#pensacolaproblems
Donāt get me wrongāI love silver and braceletsābut handcuffs are not a good look on meā¦
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