I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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