the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
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I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
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Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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