I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
