I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
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I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
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Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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