mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I think I just sharted jello shots
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