What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
