I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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