i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
