Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
