Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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