A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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