Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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