I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
