dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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