What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
