Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
