I wish I could teleport
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
