too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
what is it with giant penises always finding me
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
