I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
