my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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