Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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