Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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