Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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