Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The air taste purple.
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