When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
