i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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